63 – The Hawaiian Goldmine


This is the Rubbery Shrubbery blog, where you’ve been learning how Yachats (YAH-hots), Oregon, acquires a Major League Baseball franchise. To learn more about Yachats and its inhabitants—called Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns)— please go to this page or go to GoYachats.

As the Yachats Smelt prepare to do battle in major league baseball, their scouts are diligently searching for outstanding young players to sign. In today’s post, adjunct professor of English and ill-fated author of fourteen dark cozy mysteries, Clapboard Eaglewink, describes a hot prospect whose worth far exceeds his value.

The Hawaiian Goldmine
by Clapboard Eaglewink

We will be visiting with ace Smelt scout Orville O’Doole today. I’m sure all of you remember Orville, but in case you don’t, take a look at Post #25 (11/04/12).

Orville has signed a rare find on the Hawaiian island of Kauai—a young menehune outfielder named Bjorn H’fuhruhurr. We’ll ask some questions about Bjorn, the first menehune ever signed to a major league contract.

Clapboard: You must be very pleased to have Bjorn mumble under contract, Orville.

Orville: Oh, you don’t know the half of it. Not only is he fast afoot and has a strong arm, but he…

Clapboard (stoked): I know! I know! He’ll be the best ukulele player in baseball!

Orville (with annoyance): No! I was going to say that he will be the shortest player in baseball history. The menehune are rarely taller than three feet (91.4 cm) and by the looks of him, Bjorn won’t be an exception.

Clapboard: Wow! I thought teams want nothing but big players—the bigger, the better.

Orville: Ordinarily, that’s true. But we have a cunning plan.

Clapboard: Does Bjorn play the ukulele? Does he even own one?

Orville: Sigh! Yeah, sure. He has a small one, okay?

Clapboard: Is he any good?

Orville: Yeah, he’s very good. Now, about the…

Clapboard: Say, maybe if he’s good enough, he could play with our own Yachatian bluegrass string band, The Bad Weeds. He’d have to be awfully good, you understand. (See Fig. 1).

Figure 1. The Bad Weeds in concert. They’re awfully good.*

Orville: Listen, do you want to hear about our cunning plan or not?

Clapboard: Oh, sure. Let’s have it.

Orville: Well, in 1951 a guy named Eddie Gaedel (see Fig. 2), who was 3’ 7” pinch hit for the St. Louis Browns. Of course, his strike zone was tiny, so the pitcher walked him. Then his contract was quickly voided by the League, and he wasn’t allowed to play again. You see where I’m going with this?

Figure 2. Eddie Gaedel of the St. Louis Browns.

Clapboard: Who are the St. Louis Browns?

Orville: A big league team back in 1951. Anyway, Bjorn has an even smaller strike zone than Gaedel. We could have him be the leadoff hitter. He’d walk every time at bat.

Clapboard: Won’t the League void his contract?

Orville: Exactly what we’re hoping for. That is blatant discrimination against the menehune, that is. We’ll sue them silly. We’ve retained the law firm of Underrock, Slant, and Roadsquill, LLP, from down at Duck Egg. They assure us we can win the suit easily.

Clapboard: Egad! The Smelt will be rich! Bjorn will be a hero.

Orville: You bet! We’ll be able to buy a Stradivarius ukulele for Bjorn. He can play “The Star-Spangled Banner” before each game.

Clapboard: Yeah, with a Hawaiian lilt, and we can sing the menehune version of the lyrics.

Orville: Sigh!

* Photo by Qahira Lynn.

NOTE: Many Hawaiians believe the menehune have magical powers, such as their ability to make themselves invisible. Actually, the menehune have a genetic defect that renders them unable to maintain visibility. They regard this to be a curse cast upon their tribe by the mai tai god, Squiffy. At any rate, in a recent survey of lots of Hawaiians, over 100% said that the menehune have been seen only by other people.

NOTE AGAIN: Duck Egg, Oregon, is the only town in the U.S. that has 100% of its populace in the Witness Protection Program. Everyone there uses one or more aliases, and the name “Duck Egg” is also fake, of course. Therefore, the law firm of Underrock, Slant, and Roadsquill, LLP, being firmly located in Duck Egg, is not using its real name. This is appropriate because all three of the partners are shapeshifters. You can imagine how eager they are to represent their first invisible client.

Be sure to check out the “Yachats Smelt” page on Facebook, and “Like” us if you’re so inclined. Thank you.

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