RUBBERY SHRUBBERY Post 48
This is the Rubbery Shrubbery blog, where you’ll learn how Yachats (YAH-hots), Oregon, acquires a Major League Baseball franchise. To learn more about Yachats and its inhabitants—called Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns)— please go to this page or go to GoYachats.
In this post Ingeborg Von Root returns to interview the new Smelt Farm Director, Anna Bandana, regarding her efforts to build a hierarchy of minor league teams to develop future Smelt. (You’ll find a photo of Ms. Bandana in Post #47.)
Ratcheting Up the Hatchery
by Ingeborg Von Root
Upon being named general manager of the Smelt, Dzunukwa quickly chose Anna Bandana as the new farm director. A surprising selection, as everyone in the press corps will agree. Ms. Bandana has little baseball experience and has never been a Sasquatch, yet she has Dzunukwa’s unwavering confidence. So, we decided to interview her.
Von Root: Anna, thanks for talking with us today. All of this must have been unexpected. What were you doing when you got the word?
Bandana: Oh, my goodness! I had no idea! I was at the farm, down in the barn milking the giraffes when Dzunukwa’s phone call came. She says drop everything, she needs me immediately. I says I kinda have my hands full at the moment, and she says never mind that, just get on the first plane here.
Von Root: I couldn’t help noticing you said giraffes.
Bandana: Oh, silly me! I should’ve told you. I live in Botswana in Africa. Milking the giraffes is easy, except for them kicking the bucket over. Rhinos are harder, but if you let ’em know who’s boss right off, they’re docile as cabbages. On the other hand, the elephants…
Von Root: So, Anna, you have quite a task ahead of you—building a farm system from scratch. Where will you begin?
Bandana: Well, we need to find cities that can support minor league baseball. We have two already—both are Oregon towns—Drain (Plungers) and Duck Egg (Toxic Sox). Now we’re searching for a few more. Of course, our first thought was to check out Yachats’s Sister Cities— Longyearbyen, Norway, and Monte Carlo, Monaco.
Von Root: That seems reasonable. I imagine they jumped at the chance to have Smelt farm teams.
Bandana: Longyearbyen (see Fig. 1) was very interested, I think. It’s the world’s northernmost town, on the island of Spitsbergen, well within the Arctic Circle. It has a strong tourism industry, with lots of fascinating wildlife—walruses, reindeer, and polar bears… Gosh, can you imagine trying to milk a…
Figure 1. Longyearbyen about teatime.*
Von Root: Well, it must be a bit chilly for baseball there, being so close to the North Pole.
Bandana: Oh, for a couple of months in the summer it isn’t too bad, and with the Arctic warming up rapidly, Longyearbyen might become the perfect place to be in August. You know, after having nighttime all winter long, they have the midnight sun from April 20th until August 23rd, so they won’t need lights for baseball. Saves on electricity.
Von Root: It sounds like Longyearbyen is a sure bet to be one of the Smelt farm teams. I’m wondering…would you actually try to milk a…
Bandana: Longyearbyen is a strong possibility, but Monte Carlo (see Fig. 2) is a different story. They don’t have any room for a baseball stadium. Hotels and casinos are jam-packed on a dot on the map. Don’t even have room for agriculture. Nothing there to milk.
Figure 2. Monte Carlo, showing how overbuilt it is.**
Von Root: Nothing, except tourists. So, Monte Carlo is out. Who else are you considering?
Bandana: Well, Dubai City (see Fig. 3) has asked for a team. They’ve even offered to build an artificial baseball stadium on an artificial island in an artificial lake. And Rubbery Shrubbery, Inc., put in a bid to landscape the whole thing, including the playing field, in artificial plants.
Figure 3. Dubai, showing how hot it is.***
Von Root: Oh, that sounds wonderful!
Bandana: Yep, if it weren’t so darn hot. Like the sunny side of Mercury. You could fry an egg on the top of your head. And that’s in the winter.
Von Root: Can’t they just put a roof over Dubai for shade? Like the roof Yachats is getting from Seattle?
Bandana: I think Dubaiites would view that as wimpy. We’ve given up on them. And we have an even bigger problem with another city that’s asking for a team—Malé, in the Republic of the Maldives (see Fig. 4). They’ve covered their whole island with buildings. Even a badminton court couldn’t be squeezed in. Also, the island is at sea level. It won’t take much rise in the Indian Ocean to force everyone there to wear hip boots.
Figure 4. Malé, Maldives, showing how damp it is.****
Von Root: Well, no one can be expected to play baseball well in hip boots.
Bandana: Especially without a ballpark. So, we went looking elsewhere and found Majuro (see Fig. 5), the capital of the Republic of the Marshall Islands (RMI), which already has a ballpark. It’s right behind the RMI Capitol Building, across the street from the Majuro Hospital (see Fig. 6). A lot of baseball enthusiasts there, I bet.
Figure 5. Aerial view of Majuro showing baseball field in lower right corner (the dolphin is looking right at it).*****
Von Root: Well, it looks like Longyearbyen and Majuro are the lucky ones that will host Smelt farm teams. Are there any others?
Figure 6. Close-up of the Majuro baseball stadium (bird’s-eye view) right behind the nation’s capitol.
Bandana: Well, there’s always Botswana.
* Photo by Wild Wonders of Europe/Liodden, National Geographic.
** Photo by I, Katonams.
*** Photo by Ranjit Laxman from Cochin, India.
**** Photo by Shahee Ilyas.
***** Artwork by Mari Kawagae.
Next time: Maybe Botswana.
NOTE: Crazy Bop McSkittle is still making a nuisance of himself, picketing Dzunukwa’s offices in the wetlands, writing letters to the editor of the Yachats Gazette, and even making appearances on what he thinks is the Yachats TV station (Yachats doesn’t have a TV station). All this in the pursuit of a World’s Fair for Yachats. He even has a Facebook page dedicated to this senseless endeavor. Have you ever heard of anything so ridiculous?
NOTE AGAIN: Eric Sallee and Dave Baldwin are feeling increasingly confident that the Rubbery Shrubbery blog will attain results. In fact, they’ve already seen some, probably.
Be sure to check out the “Yachats Smelt” page on Facebook and “Like” us (if you feel so inclined). Thank you.