RUBBERY SHRUBBERY Post 29
Here we go again—another whirl with the Rubbery Shrubbery (RS) blog. This tells you about Yachats (YAH-hots), Oregon, and its inhabitants—called Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns)—as they acquire a Major League Baseball franchise. To learn more about Yachats (“Gateway to Hawai’i”), please go to this page or go to GoYachats.
The list of great writers who have contributed posts to the RS blog is impressive, indeed. Today’s post is written by Dr. Liana Squibley, wife of Dr. Isaac Squibley who has won many awards and great fame since his articles appeared on this blog. Dr. Liana is the author of the recent best seller, Living with a Pompous, Egotistical Ass.
Revising the Business Plan of the Seattle Pilots
by Dr. Liana Squibley
Whooee! The Stadium Committee’s pace has been a ripsnorter! No sooner had they called themselves a committee, but they viewed the playing field and came up with a bunch of ideas for improving it. Adding a pitcher’s mound, for example. And fair lines. And real bases instead of hubcaps. And getting rid of thousands of moles using Mole-No-Mo’ (which doesn’t kill them—it simply appeals to their better nature).
But the greatest headway has been towards building the new stadium. I went out to the ballpark and talked to alpha humans Diego McHuguenot and Brassica Chin about progress being made. Standing in a mole-free center field, we had this conversation.
Liana: Tell me, Brassy, where do you stand now with this stadium planning stuff?
Brassica: We got off to a slow start, Liana, and everyone felt low, but Wumpy Mugwump pointed out to us that the Seattle Pilots had exactly the same problems and got themselves a major league franchise anyway. So we learned we need to persevere.
Liana: That was a big step forward then?
Brassica: Sure. We felt good for a few days until we found out what happened to the Seattle Pilots, going broke after one season and all (see Fig. 1). That was a real downer.
Liana: I can see how it would be. So, tell me, Diego, how are you going to avoid the fate of the Pilots?
Diego: Well, the Pilots’ business plan must have been okay at the beginning because it worked, you see. They got their team. We have a copy of that plan, a document titled, “How to Procure a Major League Franchise without Any Money.” Those last three words seem to have stymied sustainability for them, though. Who would guess money would be so important in the world of sports?
Liana: Gee, we just want a team so we could go out and root for it. That shouldn’t cost a lot.
Brassica: You wouldn’t think so, would you? We figured we could keep the cost of the team real low. For example, we’ll find players who love to play the game, guys who would gladly play for free just for fun and the opportunity to live and play in Yachats. Then fans could watch the games for free.
Diego: Yeah, but we ran into a snag with that idea. The Major League Baseball lawyers won’t let our players play for nothing. Went against tradition, I guess.
Brassica: So we said to the lawyers, “You’re right, our players shouldn’t play for nothing. They should pay us for letting them play.” After all, no one expects fun to be free—think how many guys would gladly pay to have a chance to play in the major leagues. The lawyers nixed that idea, too.
Diego: Seems they have a minimum salary we’d have to pay. But that would be no problem. Plenty of veteran players would gladly reimburse us for their salaries. I mean, they’ve made many millions already, and who wouldn’t rather live in Yachats (see Fig. 2) than in New York City (See Fig. 3)?
Brassica: But even so, we’re going to have expenses—groundskeeper, trainer, uniforms, cheerleaders. So, we’ll follow the Pilots’ plan but do it with some money.
Diego: Our first thought was to contact super billionaire Ebenezer Buckingham. You’ll recall he wanted to own the Smelt at one time—thought it would help him become “Sportsman of the Year”. But he’s gone and bought a soccer team. I guess he was desperate.
Liana: Maybe the Ladies’ Aide and Fire Brigade can raise money with an ice cream social. Or how about a carwash?
Diego: Yep, and a raffle, too. Good ideas!
Brassica: But also we can save money, especially in getting our stadium ready for the big time.
Diego: That’s right. We don’t need to contract out the work. We’ll build the stadium using LEGO® blocks***. Construction with LEGO is much cheaper than bricks and mortar, and we can get a lot of free labor by letting neighborhood kids stack the blocks.
Brassica: And think how beautiful it will be with all that red, blue, and yellow. A work of art!
Liana: Ah, yes! “The House that Milk and Cookies Built!”
* “Exotic Dream” by Henri Rousseau (1844-1910). Although he never saw the place, this was Rousseau’s concept of what Yachats must be like. We’ve deleted the naughty bits.
** Photo from Wikipedia. Naughty bits have been retained.
*** The world’s foremost LEGO artist, Nathan Sawaya, says he can design anything to be built with LEGO. You can see his surrealistic work here: http://www.boredpanda.com/20-incredible-lego-artworks-by-nathan-sawaya/ and here: http://brickartist.com/about/.
Next time: We’ll visit “The House that Milk and Cookies Built” to report on its progress. Also, you’ll learn about innovations that will cause you to slap your forehead.
NOTE: Do you happen to know a witty celebrity willing to write posts for the RS blog? Perhaps John Cleese or C.J. Cherryh or Lisa Lutz? If you are on a first, last, or middle name basis with any of these authors, please let us know at the bottom of this page. Or if YOU are a writer who is on a par, please let us know that, too. We’ll certainly put you on our short list.
NOTE AGAIN: With evidence mounting, Eric Sallee and Dave Baldwin finally admit they might have, in part, committed blogging, but only the words and concepts.