31 – Yabby Weezer Comes Through


This is the Rubbery Shrubbery (RS) blog again. It will tell you about Yachats (YAH-hots), Oregon, and its inhabitants—called Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns)—as they acquire a Major League Baseball franchise. To learn more about Yachats (“Playground for Neurons”), please go to this page or go to GoYachats.

Smelt co-founder Bebe Broadbent did such a great job writing the last post, we’ve asked her back. This time she hurls herself into the midst of exciting news regarding old Yabby Weezer and his company.

Yabby Weezer Comes Through
by Bebe Broadbent

The sun is shining brightly for the Smelt Stadium Committee, all because of Yabby Weezer. Of all the characters living in Yachats, Yabby certainly is one. You would recognize him immediately.

Now, Yabby owns Rubbery Shrubbery®, Inc., largest artificial landscapers in Yachats and beyond.* He is also the author of the best seller Pseudobiosphere: Phony Life on Earth. No question, he is the world’s foremost expert on fake flora.

A few days ago as Yabby gazed at the red, blue, and yellow stadium being constructed with LEGO® blocks, he noticed other sports stadiums are named for corporate sponsors. As a result, famous companies like Enron®, MCI®, and Adelphia® have become even more famous. Yabby thought it looked like a good idea. The combining of Smelt with Rubbery Shrubbery seems as natural as breathing.

Yesterday I talked with Yabby who was still gazing at the red, blue, and yellow blocks.

Bebe: Yabby, can you describe how you felt when you realized you should sponsor the Smelt’s stadium?

Yabby: Oh, pretty good, you bet! What better way to put Rubbery Shrubbery on everybody’s lips?

Bebe: Yes, indeed. Now that we have Rubbery Shrubbery Stadium named, do you have specific plans for the playing field, landscapewise?

Yabby: Well, I’ve been thinking hard about that. Notice the Yachats Wetlands Park is just beyond the outfield. Home runs will sail into the swamp…er, wetlands where there be wildlife, like raccoons and herons. I understand someone saw a woolly mammunk** there last month. Fig. 1 shows a sketch of a woolly mammunk.

Figure 1. A rough, hurried sketch of a woolly mammunk by an extinct wildlife artist.

Bebe: I thought they were extinct.

Yabby: Yeah, me too. Anyway, a creature could get hurt by a fly ball. But in many big league stadiums the outfield fence has been extended upward to protect animals, and we ought to do that, too. Maybe upward to about 120 feet. That should do it.

Bebe: I would think so.

Yabby: But even better than that, if we stretch a sheet of rubber across the fence, a ball hitting it will bounce all the way back to the infield. The Smelt won’t need outfielders. Think how much money they’ll save in salaries.

Bebe: Wow! You’ve stumbled onto something…oh, wait! The Smelt players are going to be playing just for the fun of it.

Yabby: Well, the rubber fence still might be a good idea. It’ll keep the woolly mammunks out.

Bebe: Do you have any other ideas?

Yabby: I sure do. With the Safeco® Field roof coming from Seattle and covering all of Yachats, we’ll want to start using ersatz plants. After all, we’ll have a climate like the Atacama Desert.

Bebe: Ersatz, huh? I hadn’t thought of that.

Yabby: Well, sure. We don’t want to be watering plants all the time. Imitation is the way to go. Now, we could have artificial turf on the field, but why not add some color to it? Why not a field of marigolds? Or poppies?

Bebe: Oooo! That sounds beautiful!

Yabby: Yep, and Rubbery Shrubbery carries the products of Plastiposies®, Inc., which makes many kinds of flowers.

Bebe: You mean the players could run through a field of wildflowers without squishing them? (See Fig. 2).

Yabby: Why, sure! They’re just plastic. You can’t squish them. Or get rid of them, for that matter.

Figure 2. Outfielder running through a field of Plastiposies®.***

Bebe: You certainly have done lots of thinking about this, Yabby.

Yabby: I have lots of spare time.

* Rubbery Shrubbery, Inc. designed the Oregon Artificial Botanical Gardens® near Duck Egg® (southeast of Yachats). Since OABG opened last year, tourists have been flocking to see the perfect plants. Perfection lifts the soul—reality’s a downer.

** The woolly mammunk®, a somewhat extinct species of enormous, hirsute chipmunk, is described in Post #4.

*** “Moon and Memory” by Dave Baldwin. 1994. 40” x 30” Alkyd resin, oil, acrylic, sand, powdered marble, cheesecloth, and linen on polyester canvas glued on Gatorfoam panel.

Next time: We’ll be on holiday, but you’ll get a rundown on how our Smelt crowd (e.g., Brassica Chin, Wumpy Mugwump, and Phyllicida Thronk) will be celebrating its free time.

NOTE: Plastiposies, Inc., want us to point out another advantage of ersatz flowers—no hay fever! They asked us to put the ! there. They paid extra for it!

NOTE AGAIN: Eric Sallee and Dave Baldwin haven’t been fired yet.

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