37 – Dagnabbit!

Posted on January 28, 2013 by Dave Baldwin


RUBBERY SHRUBBERY Post 37

This is the Rubbery Shrubbery (RS) blog where we tell you about Yachats (YAH-hots), Oregon, and its inhabitants—called Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns)—as they go about getting a Major League Baseball franchise. To learn more about Yachats, please go to this page or go to GoYachats.

Isabel Stackhollow has recovered from her vacation and is ready to write away. In this post she describes a visit to the Bread & Roses Bakery and Bistro where she finds Big Forbes Crossbowe, Bebe Broadbent, and Eudora Bixby brooding.

Dagnabbit!
by Isabel Stackhollow

I was looking for a Smelt story so I wandered into Bread & Roses, where baked goods are magnetic for Yachatians. At one of the tables I spotted the brooding trio dipping lemon cookies into hot chocolate. I borrowed a cookie and joined them.

Isabel: Thanks for the cookie. Mind if I borrow your hot chocolate? Now, why the long faces?

Eudora (stifling a sob): Isabel, everything is going wrong.

Bebe: For one thing, we were counting on having the Yachats International Airport for teams flying in and out of town.

Isabel: A two-way airport! Sounds wonderful.

Bebe: Yes, but it won’t happen. We need a large flat patch for planes to land, but Yachats has no such place. We were counting on cutting off the top of Clarity Mountain just south of town. That would make a perfect runway.

Eudora: The only companies with experience doing that sort of thing are coal mining companies. They decapitate mountains all the time.

Bebe: But we couldn’t find any who would do it. They’re all too busy mauling coaly mountains, and Clarity is coalless.

Forbes (in an expletive mood): The bleepblappers…

Bebe: Forbes! None of that kind of language.

Eudora: At least we still have the seaplane option.

Isabel (encouragingly): Well, there you are, then. Things aren’t so bad.

Eudora: Oh, yes they are! Much worse! The construction of Rubbery Shrubbery Stadium is at a standstill. The tots who are building it with LEGO® blocks have split into six factions and are at each others’ throats. They’re using the blocks as ammunition.

Bebe: They’ve even built fortresses with turrets and parapets (see Fig. 1). And they’ve engineered LEGOtic, robotic, semi-automatic dragons. They might even have LEGO weapons of mass destruction…

Figure 1. Windsor Castle (Norman Gate). Just like the RS fortresses (except not as colorful).

Forbes: The little fizztwangers…

Bebe: I say let’s arm up and crush ‘em!

Isabel: Oh, now. It’s just paracosm gotten a bit out of hand. Nothing a few naps won’t fix (see Fig. 2).

Eudora: Naps will restore peace?

Figure 2. Warmonger being cured with a nap. Dated 1894.

Isabel: Works every time. Now, what about the Seattle Mariners’ roof for our stadium?

Eudora: The negotiations for the Safeco Field roof are at an impasse, I’m afraid.

Bebe: The Mariners have stated that both of their fans have objected to the loss of the roof…

Forbes: Grumble! Dang wogglebugs!

Bebe: …and the Mariners can’t afford to lose the support of their fanbase.

Eudora (startled): Oh, migosh! Crazy Bop McSkittle just came in the café! Don’t make eye contact and maybe he’ll go away.

Isabel (whispering): Is he still going on about how Yachats should start concentrating on a World’s Fair and forget about the Smelt?

Eudora (whispering): It’s preposterous! He doesn’t talk about anything else. He’s been blathering about it for months.

Bebe (whispering and snickering): A World’s Fair here in Yachats! Can you imagine?

* Photo by visitingeu (flickr id name)
** From http://mentalfloss.com/article/12687/22-fantastic-vintage-photos-people-taking-naps

Next time: Edgar Allen Spindlehopper will take you down south to Duck Egg, OR, where schemes are afoot to become a Smelt farm team.

NOTE: Although it pains us to report this, Wumpy Mugwump and Phyllicida Thronk are still whirling and prancing at Shaggy’s Lowlife Dive and Ballroom high atop Cannibal Mountain. They show no signs of stopping.

NOTE AGAIN: Eric Sallee and Dave Baldwin are considering casting Tim Curry in the role of Percival “Pinky” Fink-Nottle for the screen version of Rubbery Shrubbery. And perhaps Anjelica Huston as Betsy Rossini. If you have any other casting suggestions, please let them know at the bottom of this page.

Sponsored by Napping for World Peace.

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36 – Will the Smelt Impact the Yachats Arts Scene?

Posted on January 20, 2013 by Dave Baldwin


RUBBERY SHRUBBERY Post 36

The Rubbery Shrubbery (RS) blog is the story of how an Oregon village comes of age through grit and hard work to become the hottest new thing in the baseball world. The village is Yachats (YAH-hots) and its citizens are called Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns). To learn more about Yachats, please go to this page or go to GoYachats.

Today’s episode was supposed to be written by Harrison Grutch and Tyler Macaroon, but they became embroiled in a parentage debate with a gang of philosophers at the Yachats Post Office and lost track of time. Therefore, the de facto Yachats rap critic, Ms. Constance Hinge, has agreed to step in to fill shoes.

Will the Smelt Impact the Yachats Arts Scene?
by Constance Hinge

Hello. This is Constance stepping in to interview the interminable Margarita O’Brien regarding the impact of the Yachats baseball team on the local arts scene. We are meeting here at Yachats State Park with a beautiful view looking down on the river and estuary (see Fig. 1).

Figure 1. Yachats State Park, where Constance is meeting Margarita.

Constance: Good morning, Margarita.

Margarita: Well, it certainly is, Connie. Can’t you just feel the wisps of poetic fumes in the salt sea air? When the daffodils are in bud and the spotted owl is gurgling, can baseball be far behind?

Constance: Indeed no, Maggie. “The Smelt, they be a’pipping,” as the old song goes. I can close my eyes and picture Henry David Thoreau’s inability to handle high pop-ups. And Denny McLain getting busted angling next to a “No Fishing” sign at Walden Pond (see Fig. 2).

Figure 2. Walden Pond, where Mr. Thoreau practiced baseball in his spare time.*

Margarita: Oh, Connie, you are a regular Wikipedia of trivia. Ah, the maudlin memories you stir up.

Constance: Well, Maggie, your keen, jejune insight reminds me of the wise prediction by that scamp Walt Whitman: “I see great things in baseball.” And who was the nineteenth century poet (I’m sure it wasn’t Walt) who penned the lines:
“The batter’s up, the batter’s down,
The batter’s dressed in a pink nightgown.”

Margarita: Yes, certainly one of the early examples of something, right enough, Connie. In your caliginous way, you’ve revealed once more. And naturally that brings to mind the great baseball clown, Max Patkin, who could drop his trousers with style and sometimes with grace (see Fig. 3).

Figure 3. Max Patkin, exuding style and grace.**

Constance: Well, trite you are, Maggie. It takes an exceptional memory to recall descending trousers. But back to our national pastime and its impact on the cultural coming and going in Yachats. Do you think there will be one?

Margarita: Oh, Connie! How droll in a gauche kind of way. But certainly the game of baseball will bring a rich heritage of song, literature, fine art and great stage productions, like the dramatization of “Ball Four” and the musical version of “Rubbery Shrubbery.” To be the “Baseball Capital of the World” is to be the “Wellspring of Locker Room Enlightenment.” And it will bring a lot of healthy young ballplayers to our town, too.

Constance: Wow, Maggie! That’s so beautifully inappropriate. You know, this has been an electric experience for me, chatting like this with you on the edge of a cliff overlooking the raging Yachats River far below (see Fig. 1). The truth is, I’ve never felt we’ve hit it off before. There’s always been this vague distance between us. But today, our têta-à-tête has brought us much closer together, I feel.

Well, Margarita O’Brien couldn’t hang around, I’m afraid, but I’m glad she dropped by. It was wonderful being able to connect with her at last. So this is Constance Hinge signing out for now.

* Photo by ptwo. From Wikipedia.
** From Wikipedia.

Next Time: Perhaps we’ll explore the history of baseball choreography with Yachats’s very own mistress of the ball, Tanga de la Primp.

NOTE: Eric Sallee and Dave Baldwin are still open to suggestions regarding casting for the screen version of Rubbery Shrubbery. Thus far, here is the cumulative tally:
Helena Bonham-Carter —– to play Brassica Chin (1vote)
Sir Anthony Hopkins ——— to play Wumpy Mugwump (1 vote)
Brian Doyle-Murray (Bill Murray’s brother) —— to play Harrison Grutch (1 vote)

We still haven’t any input for Bebe Broadbent, Yabby Weezer, or many other forgettable RS characters. At the bottom of this post, please give Eric and Dave suggestions for actors, such as Tina Fey or Johnny Depp, or any other actor you think might be crazy enough to get entangled in this project.

NOTE AGAIN: Eric Sallee and Dave Baldwin insist they are both illiterate and couldn’t write a blog even if they tried (which they haven’t, obviously).

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35 – Harrison Leaves Tyler Holding the Bag

Posted on January 15, 2013 by Dave Baldwin


RUBBERY SHRUBBERY Post 35

This is the Rubbery Shrubbery (RS) blog, telling you about Yachats (YAH-hots), Oregon, and its inhabitants—called Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns)—as they go about getting a Major League Baseball franchise. To learn more about Yachats (“On the Cutting Edge of the Continent”), please go to this page or go to GoYachats.

In this post, veteran sportswriter Harrison Grutch continues to describe how non-Yachatian communities react to being impacted by the Smelt. As you might recall, Harrison reported from Migraine Springs, Texas, in the last post. This time he takes us to the sleepy but progressive little town of Lāna’i City (see Fig. 1) on the Hawaiian island of Lāna’i.

Harrison Leaves Tyler Holding the Bag
by Tyler Macaroon (and a little by Harrison Grutch)

My assistant, Harrison Grutch, has done it again! He wrote the introduction above, and then took my plane ticket and sneaked off to Hawai’i. Just last week he swiped my train ticket and zipped down to Migraine Springs to my chagrin. I’d fire him, but he works cheap.

Figure 1. The island of Lāna’i. Where that rat Harrison is sitting in the shade of a monkey pod tree, sipping a mai tai.*

This time he tried to appease me by sending a photo and a few words about Lāna’i City’s plans to lure the Smelt to the island for spring training. Here’s what he sent me.


Hoo, boy! Tyler, you are one lucky dude I didn’t bring you on this trip. It turns out Lāna’i is completely isolated—separated from all the other Hawaiian islands by ocean. I spent the whole afternoon yesterday rowing an outrigger in the sweltering heat to get here.

On top of that, Lāna’i is haunted—I almost saw the famed Pineapple Poltergeist last night. I watched her trying to materialize in a mixed company of tourists on the front lawn of our hotel for nearly an hour. Never quite made it.

Now, about spring training. Lāna’i has Menehune Municipal Stadium, which is very like Rubbery Shrubbery was before we started to fix it up. Here’s a photo of it (see Fig. 2). In it, PP is trying to be seen by standing directly in front of the camera. And that yellow car is just a local shapeshifter having a bit of fun.

Figure 2. Menehune Municipal Stadium, probably soon to be renamed Ellison Stadium.**

By the way, Lāna’i recently came into a lot of money so they should be able to make Menehune Municipal look pretty spiffy. The biggest Smelt problem would be in finding other teams to play during spring training, but perhaps rowing outriggers would be all the conditioning they would need.

I still ache all over from yesterday, but I’ve decided to row to Maui this afternoon. I still haven’t gone to Shipwreck Beach to see Lāna’i’s biggest tourist attraction—the crash site of an alien spaceship—but I’m going to skip it. Once you’ve seen one, the thrill is gone.

So, with no help forthcoming from the Great Harrison Grutch, I went looking for a story for this post. Grumble!

Naturally, the place to look was Rubbery Shrubbery Stadium to see how far the toddling engineers had gotten with their LEGO® block construction. To my astonishment, not far. Blocks, tykes and moppets were in disarray. A few were almost in tears.

Then, to my surprise, Dzunukwa, the mysterious Sasquatch witch, showed up. Concern was written all over her wizened face (though hard to read due to the wizenry). Dressed in raggedy black cape and gloves, she hunched over her walking stick like a nine-foot tsunami.

She addressed the boss tot.

Dzunukwa I got your message, Tot. Sorry it took me so long to get here—I couldn’t get the cat started. Now, what seems to be the problem?

Boss Tot It’s that gang of untethered teenagers over there. They’ve been harassing us. Kibitzing. Offering unsolicited advice.

Second Tot One of them patted condescension on my hard hat.

Third Tot And that big one called me a publishable but patronizing name.

Boss Tot This is brain vandalism, that’s what this is!

Dzunukwa Oh, my! Well, this is a common problem.

Boss Tot We want you to make them disappear permanently.

Dzunukwa Perhaps you should think this over. Are you sure there isn’t a better way to handle this problem?

Boss Tot Ha! We know a stalling tactic when we hear it. You might as well let us have our way. No one can resist pouts and whines for more than a few minutes.

Dzunukwa Oh, very well. I can get them out of your hair, but nothing good lasts forever. The best I can do is provide an expiration date.

Boss Tot Then make it so, please.

Untethered Teenagers POOOFFF!

Boss Tot Good! Perhaps that will last long enough for their brains to become fully myelinated.

Dzunukwa We can hope.

* Landsat satellite image (NASA). From Wikipedia.
** Photo by Eric Sallee.

Next time: Constance Hinge will be interviewing Yahottie nightingale Margarita O’Brien regarding the Smelt’s impact on the local fine arts scene.

NOTE: Blog management hopes that no poltergeist, Menehune, or shapeshifter was offended or disillusioned by this post. We point out, however, that we have an impressive team of Sasquatch lawyers ready to deal with any class action suit.

NOTE AGAIN: Eric Sallee and Dave Baldwin are hoping for inputs regarding casting for the screen version of Rubbery Shrubbery. Thus far, here is the cumulative tally:
Helena Bonham-Carter —– to play Brassica Chin (1 vote)
Sir Anthony Hopkins ——— to play Wumpy Mugwump (1 vote)

These numbers are very similar to our tally at the end of last week’s voting. We realize that Helena and Sir Anthony are feeling pretty good about this, but Eric and Dave are beginning to wonder if some nefarious force is at work here, although they aren’t sure what that means. At the bottom of this post, please give Eric and Dave your suggestions for actors, such as Meg Ryan or Fred Willard, to play any or all of the various RS characters.

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34 – The Wetstone Pipeline

Posted on January 7, 2013 by Dave Baldwin


RUBBERY SHRUBBERY Post 34

This is the Rubbery Shrubbery (RS) blog, telling you about Yachats (YAH-hots), Oregon, and its inhabitants—called Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns)—as they acquire a Major League Baseball franchise. To learn more about Yachats, please go to this page or go to GoYachats.

In this post veteran sportswriter Harrison Grutch describes a non-Yachatian community impacted by the Smelt. As you might recall, Harrison spent his vacation in Migraine Springs, Texas, looking into its dream of being the Yachats Smelt spring training site.

The Wetstone Pipeline
by Harrison Grutch

Beginning my vacation I was hoping to get a direct flight from Yachats to Migraine Springs. Unfortunately, the international airport in Yachats is still on the drawing board, and the one in Migraine Springs was decimated in the quasi-zombie uprising during the last half moon. Therefore, I took the train.

Upon my arrival, imagine my surprise.

In all directions from Migraine Springs the landscape was as dry as a mummy’s French kiss. The “lone and level sands stretch far away” must have been written about Texas.

Except for the town of Migraine Springs, that is—it was green and blooming. An oasis on an enormous slice of burnt toast. But as I looked closer at the trees and bushes I noticed tags reading “Machine wash warm. Do not dry clean.” And the tulip beds read “Plastiposies™ – first in floral phoniness.”

The whole town had been landscaped by Rubbery Shrubbery, Inc. Still, I couldn’t let total drought and synthetic maple trees distract me from my mission. I was there to find out what’s up about spring training.

To uncover what the thinking was thereabouts, I figured I’d best take a survey. I picked out the averagest local citizen, a rangy old lizard named “Pecos Billy” Bob, and surveyed him thoroughly.

Grutch Pecos Billy, I can’t help but notice that you’re a long ways from the Pecos River for you to be its eponym.

Bob Hey, this is Texas! Everything else is a long ways from everything here.

Grutch Well, that’s a point worth brooding over.

Bob You betcha! Now, you want to ask me about the Smelt spring training here, I reckon.

Grutch How’d you know that?

Bob I read the introductory paragraph up above.

Grutch Oh. I wasn’t figuring on you being literate. Okay, why does Migraine Springs want to have the Smelt training hereabouts?

Bob Well, Migraine Springs’s drought has taken a bite out of tourism here. We’ve been worried about it, and to be frank, I don’t know what we’d have done if you hadn’t showed up today.

Grutch Glad I could help. So, what can be done to fix this drought? I doubt if Rubbery Shrubbery landscaping is going to do the trick.

Bob Nope, but it’s still a good idea. Can’t trust natural stuff. The only thing you can count on is plastic. But as for the drought, we have a solution coming our way.

Grutch Oh? Would you like to talk about it?

Bob Sure. You’ve heard of the Keystone XL Oil Pipeline? It’s supposed to carry oil from Alberta, Canada, to Texas. Well, we Texans (being no fools) decided we’d rather have water than oil. So, we want to use this Rube Goldberg plumbing to pipe Lake Winnipeg down and dump it in the flat part of Texas.

Grutch Wow! That would kill two pterodactyls with one stone—it would both dampen Texas and help Manitoba with its mosquito problem. Talk about being environmentally friendly…!

Bob You bet! And Manitoba is closer than Alberta. Only one problem…we didn’t realize how shallow Lake Winnipeg is (see Fig. 1). It looks awfully big on the map, but we’ll need a lot more water than that. So, we’re negotiating for Lake Superior. When we add that, we should have enough. We’ll call our lake Lake Supipeg.

Figure 1. Aerial view of Lake Winnipeg. Notice how you can’t tell how shallow it is.

Grutch Is Lake Superior a sure thing, then?

Bob Yep. Every government has its price.

Grutch I’m guessing that Migraine Springs will perch right at the edge of Lake Supipeg.

Bob It sure will. See that big dust devil yonder? That’s where the marina will be. See Fig. 2 for dust devil.

Figure 2. Arizona dust devil. Very similar to a Texas dust devil except with mountains in the distance.*

Grutch And with tourists flocking in like locusts, you need to have some touristy things for them to do?

Bob Of course. I mean, our current tourist attractions are okay—the Hornswogglers’ Cemetery is popular and the re-enactment of the shootout at Pirate Pete’s Used Car Lot is always a hit—but if we have the Smelt here each spring, think of the publicity we’ll get. We’ll be mentioned every day by all three of the remaining newspapers.

Grutch You can’t beat publicity like that.

Bob Yep, and getting Lake Supipeg and the Smelt is a lot cheaper than moving Mt. Rushmore.

* Photo by NOAA (from Wikipedia).

Next time: Continuing his investigation of possible Smelt spring training sites, Harrison makes a visit to Lāna’i City, Hawai’i, to get the skinny on baseball facilities there. He also gets a tan.

NOTE: Brassica has heard from her green friends in Las Vegas—they’re doing fine and have won almost enough money to get back home. Also, we received a call from Phyllicida Thronk. She and Wumpy are still foxtrotting to beat the band at Shaggy’s Joint in Cannibal Mountain. She said not to expect them back in Yachats soon. No word from the Klondikes.

NOTE AGAIN: Eric Sallee and Dave Baldwin have received inputs regarding casting for the screen version of Rubbery Shrubbery. Helena Bonham-Carter has one vote to play Brassica Chin and Sir Anthony Hopkins has one vote to play Wumpy Mugwump. At the bottom of this post, please give Eric and Dave further suggestions for actors, such as George Clooney or Sigourney Weaver, to play any RS characters such as Percy “Pinky” Fink-Nottle or Betsy Rossini. Thank you.

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33 – How We Spent Our Vacation

Posted on December 30, 2012 by Dave Baldwin


RUBBERY SHRUBBERY Post 33

This is the Rubbery Shrubbery (RS) blog, informing you about Yachats (YAH-hots), Oregon, and its inhabitants—called Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns)—as they acquire a Major League Baseball franchise. To learn more about Yachats, please go to this page or go to GoYachats.

The previous post of this blog was dedicated to the vacation plans of the RS staff. This time we report on how those plans panned out.

How We Spent Our Vacation
by the Rubbery Shrubbery staff

In random alphabetical order:

Bebe Broadbent traveled down to Duck Egg, Oregon, to visit the world famous Oregon Artificial Botanical Gardens. Her first couple days of basking in bogus nature to recharge her batteries went well, but then she basked too long and fears she might be overcharged.

Wumpy Mugwump intended to sit in a rocking chair on the front porch of the Cannibal Hotel in Cannibal Mountain, Oregon, and count migrating dragonflies. But he became bored waiting for the first dragonfly to show up, so he headed over to Shaggy’s Tavern for some ballroom dancing. There he hooked up with Phyllicida Thronk (see which), and the two of them waltzed and tangoed ‘til the cow came home (it’s a one-cow town).

Harrison Grutch lit out for Migraine Springs, Texas, a town that’s hankering to be the Smelt’s spring training site. He’ll be telling us all about his natural adventures there when he posts the next post of this blog.

Isabel Stackhollow was set to begin a seven state tour to promote her latest best seller Solving Problems with Expletives, but her car wouldn’t start.

Big Forbes Crossbowe drove to Wishing Well, South Dakota, to compete in the Jigsaw Puzzle Championship Tournament. He was wowing the spectators with a magnificent performance until supposedly “caught” with a “skeleton key” puzzle piece up his sleeve. Although he insisted he had never seen that particular bit of cardboard before, he was disqualified at gunpoint.

Brassica Chin drove to Lost Locust, Nevada, to compete in the bull riding event in the local rodeo. She didn’t win any medals, but she and the bull parted on good terms. She agreed to stop annoying him, and he agreed to stop trying to kill her.

On her way home, while driving through a lonely part of Nevada (the only kind there is), Brassica abducted aliens. They were green and less than a foot tall. When she scooped them up and put them on the front seat of her car, they just stood there looking forlorn. Their verdant complexions led her to guess chlorophyll was involved and that their unhappiness was due to a yearning to sunbath.

So Brassica drove them to Las Vegas (see Fig. 1) and dropped them off poolside at a big luxury hotel. They had the place to themselves and were smiling (she thinks) when she last saw them.

Figure 1. Las Vegas, presumably entertaining tiny green sunbathers.*

Annabella Kowalski went to Noti, Oregon, to enjoy her pet hobby, skunkspotting. She was having a blast, adding several species to her life list, until a spotted skunk she spotted spotted her. (See Fig. 2.) More experienced now, Annabella will be back soon, telling us about the Smelt.

Figure 2. Western spotted skunk, looking innocent.

Phyllicida Thronk went to Cannibal Mountain to do some ballroom dancing at Shaggy’s Saloon. There she happened to hook up with Wumpy (see above), and the pair cut a rug each night of their vacation.

Bud and Bonnie Klondike showed no signs of easing up on their honeymoon.

Dzunukwa is a Sasquatch witch, and how one of these spends her time is a mystery. We are all better off for it.

Eric Sallee and Dave Baldwin worked on the first draft of the screenplay of the Rubbery Shrubbery blog. They report considerable progress, believe it or not.

* Photo by Lasvegaslover (from Wikipedia).

Next time: We’ve been so engrossed in the exciting things happening in Yachats that we haven’t paid attention to the impact the Smelt are having on other communities near and far. Harrison Grutch will help us pay attention next time.

NOTE: Brassica is concerned about the well-being of her green friends and would like to hear from them—just to know they’re all right. She assumes they have some kind of quasi-quantum means of communication that lies just slightly above and to the left of the partition function of topological field theory. At any rate, please call her.

NOTE AGAIN: Eric Sallee and Dave Baldwin are wondering who should play Brassica Chin and Wumpy Mugwump in the screen version of Rubbery Shrubbery. If you have any suggestions regarding actors who should play any of the RS personages, please let Eric and Dave hear about them at the bottom of this post. They prefer living performers.

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32 – How We Will Spend Our Vacation

Posted on December 24, 2012 by Dave Baldwin


RUBBERY SHRUBBERY Post 32

This is the Rubbery Shrubbery (RS) blog again. It will tell you about Yachats (YAH-hots), Oregon, and its inhabitants—called Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns)—as they acquire a Major League Baseball franchise. To learn more about Yachats (“Baseball Capital of the World”), please go to this page or go to GoYachats.

The people who populate this blog are taking a week’s vacation. We know you are anxious to learn how they will be spending their hard-earned free time. Okay, maybe anxious is too strong a word. Perhaps you’re slightly curious.

How We Will Spend Our Vacation
by the Rubbery Shrubbery staff

In random alphabetical order:

Bebe Broadbent will be heading down to Duck Egg, Oregon, to visit the world famous Oregon Artificial Botanical Gardens. A few days basking in the sham perfection of nature’s synthetic beauty will recharge her batteries.

Wumpy Mugwump will not attempt to swim the Yachats River again, lengthwise. He tried this last year and was doing well until he came to the first rapids. This year he will be sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch of the Cannibal Hotel in Cannibal Mountain, Oregon, counting migrating dragonflies. See Fig. 1.

Figure 1. Dragonfly considering migrating so it can be counted.*

Harrison Grutch will travel to Migraine Springs, Texas, to report on that town’s efforts to be the Smelt’s spring training site.

Isabel Stackhollow will be on tour to promote her latest best seller Solving Problems with Expletives.

Big Forbes Crossbowe will compete in the Jigsaw Puzzle Championship Tournament in Wishing Well, South Dakota. He’s been practicing for weeks.

Brassica Chin will be driving to Lost Locust, Nevada, to enter the bull riding event in a small rodeo in the mayor’s backyard.

Annabella Kowalski will travel to Noti, Oregon, to join other skunkers as she pursues her favorite hobby, skunkspotting. She hopes to add several species to her life list. Noti is a well-known hotbed of skunks. See Fig. 2.

Phyllicida Thronk is looking forward to traveling to Cannibal Mountain to do some ballroom dancing every night at Shaggy’s Bar and Grill.

Bud and Bonnie Klondike (our honeymoon couple from Post # 6—please review if necessary) plan to continue their honeymoon indefinitely.

Dzunukwa (Sasquatch witch who has applied for the Smelt’s General Manager position) says her heavy workload won’t allow her time to take a vacation. Please see Fig. 3.

Figure 2. A skunkspotting tower. Skunkers prefer observing from a discreet height.**

Figure 3. Likeness of Dzunukwa.***

* This is a Kirby Dropwing (Trithemis kirbyi) in Namibia. Photo by © Hans Hillewaert.

** Photo from Wikipedia.

*** Dzunukwa mask, in collection of the Museum of Anthropology, University of British Columbia. Photo by © Leoboudv.

Next time: You’ll get a rundown on how well Brassica rode the bulls in Lost Locust. And Wumpy and Phyllicida will report on their experiences at Cannibal Mountain.

NOTE: Although “Big Foot” is often used as a synonym for “Sasquatch,” it’s now considered a pejorative term and is unacceptable. In fact, it was the original pejorative term and the word “bigotry” is derived from it.

NOTE AGAIN: Eric Sallee and Dave Baldwin haven’t been sued yet.

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31 – Yabby Weezer Comes Through

Posted on December 17, 2012 by Dave Baldwin


RUBBERY SHRUBBERY Post 31

This is the Rubbery Shrubbery (RS) blog again. It will tell you about Yachats (YAH-hots), Oregon, and its inhabitants—called Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns)—as they acquire a Major League Baseball franchise. To learn more about Yachats (“Playground for Neurons”), please go to this page or go to GoYachats.

Smelt co-founder Bebe Broadbent did such a great job writing the last post, we’ve asked her back. This time she hurls herself into the midst of exciting news regarding old Yabby Weezer and his company.

Yabby Weezer Comes Through
by Bebe Broadbent

The sun is shining brightly for the Smelt Stadium Committee, all because of Yabby Weezer. Of all the characters living in Yachats, Yabby certainly is one. You would recognize him immediately.

Now, Yabby owns Rubbery Shrubbery®, Inc., largest artificial landscapers in Yachats and beyond.* He is also the author of the best seller Pseudobiosphere: Phony Life on Earth. No question, he is the world’s foremost expert on fake flora.

A few days ago as Yabby gazed at the red, blue, and yellow stadium being constructed with LEGO® blocks, he noticed other sports stadiums are named for corporate sponsors. As a result, famous companies like Enron®, MCI®, and Adelphia® have become even more famous. Yabby thought it looked like a good idea. The combining of Smelt with Rubbery Shrubbery seems as natural as breathing.

Yesterday I talked with Yabby who was still gazing at the red, blue, and yellow blocks.

Bebe: Yabby, can you describe how you felt when you realized you should sponsor the Smelt’s stadium?

Yabby: Oh, pretty good, you bet! What better way to put Rubbery Shrubbery on everybody’s lips?

Bebe: Yes, indeed. Now that we have Rubbery Shrubbery Stadium named, do you have specific plans for the playing field, landscapewise?

Yabby: Well, I’ve been thinking hard about that. Notice the Yachats Wetlands Park is just beyond the outfield. Home runs will sail into the swamp…er, wetlands where there be wildlife, like raccoons and herons. I understand someone saw a woolly mammunk** there last month. Fig. 1 shows a sketch of a woolly mammunk.

Figure 1. A rough, hurried sketch of a woolly mammunk by an extinct wildlife artist.

Bebe: I thought they were extinct.

Yabby: Yeah, me too. Anyway, a creature could get hurt by a fly ball. But in many big league stadiums the outfield fence has been extended upward to protect animals, and we ought to do that, too. Maybe upward to about 120 feet. That should do it.

Bebe: I would think so.

Yabby: But even better than that, if we stretch a sheet of rubber across the fence, a ball hitting it will bounce all the way back to the infield. The Smelt won’t need outfielders. Think how much money they’ll save in salaries.

Bebe: Wow! You’ve stumbled onto something…oh, wait! The Smelt players are going to be playing just for the fun of it.

Yabby: Well, the rubber fence still might be a good idea. It’ll keep the woolly mammunks out.

Bebe: Do you have any other ideas?

Yabby: I sure do. With the Safeco® Field roof coming from Seattle and covering all of Yachats, we’ll want to start using ersatz plants. After all, we’ll have a climate like the Atacama Desert.

Bebe: Ersatz, huh? I hadn’t thought of that.

Yabby: Well, sure. We don’t want to be watering plants all the time. Imitation is the way to go. Now, we could have artificial turf on the field, but why not add some color to it? Why not a field of marigolds? Or poppies?

Bebe: Oooo! That sounds beautiful!

Yabby: Yep, and Rubbery Shrubbery carries the products of Plastiposies®, Inc., which makes many kinds of flowers.

Bebe: You mean the players could run through a field of wildflowers without squishing them? (See Fig. 2).

Yabby: Why, sure! They’re just plastic. You can’t squish them. Or get rid of them, for that matter.

Figure 2. Outfielder running through a field of Plastiposies®.***

Bebe: You certainly have done lots of thinking about this, Yabby.

Yabby: I have lots of spare time.

* Rubbery Shrubbery, Inc. designed the Oregon Artificial Botanical Gardens® near Duck Egg® (southeast of Yachats). Since OABG opened last year, tourists have been flocking to see the perfect plants. Perfection lifts the soul—reality’s a downer.

** The woolly mammunk®, a somewhat extinct species of enormous, hirsute chipmunk, is described in Post #4.

*** “Moon and Memory” by Dave Baldwin. 1994. 40” x 30” Alkyd resin, oil, acrylic, sand, powdered marble, cheesecloth, and linen on polyester canvas glued on Gatorfoam panel.

Next time: We’ll be on holiday, but you’ll get a rundown on how our Smelt crowd (e.g., Brassica Chin, Wumpy Mugwump, and Phyllicida Thronk) will be celebrating its free time.

NOTE: Plastiposies, Inc., want us to point out another advantage of ersatz flowers—no hay fever! They asked us to put the ! there. They paid extra for it!

NOTE AGAIN: Eric Sallee and Dave Baldwin haven’t been fired yet.

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30 – Smelt Go with Youth

Posted on December 9, 2012 by Dave Baldwin


RUBBERY SHRUBBERY Post 30

This is the Rubbery Shrubbery (RS) blog, which tells you about Yachats (YAH-hots), Oregon, and its inhabitants—called Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns)—as they acquire a Major League Baseball franchise. To learn more about Yachats (where nature happens every day), please go to this page or go to GoYachats.

We have a treat for you today—Smelt co-founder Bebe Broadbent is here! She joins us to write a post about the construction of the new stadium that soon will be the home of the Yachats Smelt.

Smelt Go with Youth
by Bebe Broadbent

Brassica Chin and her Smelt Stadium Committee are the cleverest folks alive. They’ve figured out how to save a fortune in building materials and labor. We’ll discuss this with Brassica.

Bebe: Brassica, coming up with the idea to have kids build the stadium with LEGO® blocks was a major breakthrough, wasn’t it?

Brassica: Oh, you bet! Saving us a fortune. By the way, we won’t need to add the ® when we say LEGO from here on—once is enough to avoid being sued.

Bebe: Thank goodness… I wasn’t sure I was pronouncing ® right. I suppose we need to stay in uppercase, though, don’t you think? Anyway, I see, the kids have started construction already. Aren’t they cute little dickens?

Brassica: Cute as a sow’s ear and so enthusiastic.

Bebe: One thing I don’t understand, though. I know the bricks are interlocking (see Fig. 1) but fitted so loosely that a tyke can pull them apart. So what will hold the LEGO blocks together tightly enough to support a whole stadium? The kids aren’t using glue or any kind of mortar.

Figure 1. Interlocking LEGO bricks.*

Brassica: Well, this was a great stroke of luck. It turns out the hands of any five-year-old are naturally sticky. We don’t know what the stickiness is or where it comes from. But it works like a wonder.

Bebe: And every little kid is sticky, right?

Brassica: Yep, continuous stickiness. So a kid handles a LEGO block and it’ll stick to anything. Better than glue. One big problem, though, is the moms—their obsession with hand washing.

Bebe: But you’ve found a workaround?

Brassica: Sure. We started some rumors, and then provided coffee, pastries, and a place to sit and gossip. Keeps them distracted for hours.

Bebe: Amazing! So, who is the tall lady directing the kids?

Brassica: That’s Tamitha Wolf, author of the best seller Recreational Therianthropy: Pros and Cons. She has a degree in concinnity from Cannibal State.** We don’t know what she was before she became an art teacher.

Bebe: She seems awfully busy keeping kids from putting blocks in their mouths.

Brassica: Yeah, that’s our other problem. They like the taste of the secret adhesive. They’d lick it all off if Tamitha didn’t keep a sharp eye on them.

Bebe: Oh, I see the kids have made some darling LEGO animals—a puppy, a bunny… How will these be used in the stadium?

Brassica: Well, they won’t. It’s just that kids can’t stay focused. They go off on tangents. Come around to this side and look at this. Tamitha had her back turned for just a few minutes and we have a life-size T. rex.

Bebe: Omigosh! It’s so real, it’s scary! Now, that can’t be appropriate for a family-oriented stadium.

Brassica: Nope. We hate to squelch their unbridled creativity, but the big lizard was the last straw. There comes a time when you have to be firm with a five-year-old and say “Crankelwitz, wouldn’t you like to play with the other children?”

Bebe: Well, the stadium seems to be coming along nicely, especially considering the obstacles.

Brassica: Yes, and I haven’t told you about our biggest problem—kids like to build something, and then smash it. It’s their unnatural love of entropy.

Bebe: Yeah, some never outgrow it. Most become NASCAR fans.

* Photo by Alan Chia. From Wikipedia.
** Cannibal State University is located in the company town of Cannibal Mountain, Oregon, which is owned and operated by the Cannibal Soup Company.

Next time: We will visit “The House that Milk and Cookies Built” again, but this time we will interview Yabby Weezer who has an exciting business proposition for the Smelt.

NOTE: Many times we’ve been asked “what’s going on up there at Cannibal Mountain?” We assure you that it’s just a typical college/soup company town.

NOTE AGAIN: Eric Sallee and Dave Baldwin are waiting patiently for guest celebrities to plunge into writing posts for the Rubbery Shrubbery blog. Candidates must have a good sense of humor and must have heard of baseball. If any of you happen to know or be Peter De Vries or Calvin Trillin, please contact us immediately. Thank you.

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28 – Mermaid Costumes, etc.

Posted on November 26, 2012 by Dave Baldwin


RUBBERY SHRUBBERY Post 28

This is the Rubbery Shrubbery (RS) blog, which tells how the Oregon village of Yachats (YAH-hots) and its citizens—called Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns), or Yahotties (yah-HOT-tees)—go about getting a Major League Baseball franchise. To learn more about Yachats, please go to this page or go to GoYachats.

For each posting to the RS blog, one or two crackerjack writers are asked to provide a little more of the story about the Yachats Smelt’s venture into big-time baseball. Today Tyler Macaroon continues describing the Yachatian-on-the-street interviews he has been conducting recently.

Mermaid Costumes, etc.
by Tyler Macaroon

To keep you abreast of current Smelt-fan thinking, I approached the long line of job hopefuls waiting at the front door of the Smelt Employment Office. I had spotted my next randomly-selected interviewee there, a remarkable blonde specimen with a mermaid costume slung over her right shoulder. Figure 1 shows a Yachatian mermaid not wearing a costume.

Figure 1. Photo of an actual Yachatian mermaid.*

At first, distracted by a rapacious seagull convinced the toes in her sandals were lunch, she didn’t see me. By the time she realized I was right behind her, I was right behind her.

My quick reflexes from all those weeks of training didn’t fail me. I had a question loaded and fired before she could say Jack Robinson. “The gulls can be a nuisance, can’t they?”** It was the perfect thing to say at the perfect time—she had only gotten to “Ja”. The ice was broken, and we both relaxed. After she kicked the gull over nearby trees, I introduced myself and carried out the rest of my interview without a hitch.

It went like this:

Tyler: This line is nearly endless. With the Smelt hiring so many people, the Yachats economy will get quite a boost.

Mermaid: Nah. They’re only hiring, you know, part-timers, and they don’t, like, pay much. But I mean, it’s better than nothing.

Tyler: I suppose so. I see you’ve been hired as a Smelt mascot. Your costume is covered with sequins. I’ve never seen so many on one mascot.

Mermaid: Yeah, those are supposed to be fish scales. Sequins are always fish scales.

Tyler: I’ll keep that in mind. But since you have your costume already, why are you standing in line?

Mermaid: There aren’t any leg holes in it! Like, how am I going to walk in this thing? Try hopping around, you know, on your tail for a while. They aren’t paying me enough.

Tyler: So you’re going to demand leg holes?

Mermaid: Nah, my legs would be, like, down there where men would ogle them. Disgusting! I’m not going to be some smut puppet! I’m going to demand a smelt head, and I’ll wear a, you know, Smelt baseball cap (see Fig. 2).

Figure 2. Genuine Smelt baseball cap.

Tyler: Well, that would work for your head. What about the rest of you?

Mermaid: I think an elegant black evening gown. Covered with sequins, of course.

Tyler: Hmmm…a classy smelt. A novel combination. Best of luck convincing the Smelt management.

With that, I moved about five people down line to an exuberant young man who was juggling four beanbags and a cheese enchilada.

Tyler: Hi, I’m Tyler. I’m interviewing folks for the Rubbery Shrubbery blog. And your name?

Jar Jar: Umberto Binks. You can call me “Jar Jar.”

Tyler: Well, Jar Jar, you’re a very good juggler. I especially like the way you’ve worked the enchilada into the act.

Jar Jar: Oh, no, the enchilada is my lunch. I just don’t have any place to put it while I work the beanbags.

Tyler: So, you must be hoping the Smelt will hire you as their official juggler?

Jar Jar: Nah. I’m just loosening up to demonstrate my real skill—the peanuts toss.

Tyler: Really?

Jar Jar: Sure. To be a successful grandstand vendor these days, you need to have a gimmick. Mine is tossing bags of roasted peanuts. I’ve been tossing since I was twelve.

Tyler: You must be pretty good by now.

Jar Jar: You bet! I can spin the bags to make them curve around posts, and you should see my knucklebag! Floats and sails and dips…the fans love it when some guy spills his nachos and smashes his forehead on the seat in front of him trying to catch it.

Tyler: That must be quite the crowd pleaser.

Jar Jar: Yeah, and I don’t think anyone can match my 90 mph fastbag—perfect accuracy even at sixty feet. Here, let me show you. Stand over there…back up…farther…farther…there. Now hold out your left hand.

Tyler: Wow! Right to my hand, and you threw it behind your back! Amazing!

Jar Jar: I can throw it under my leg, and I’ve been working on tossing it back over my shoulder without looking.

Tyler: I’d say you’re a shoo-in to get the job.

Jar Jar: Yeah, but it’s not the job I really wanted. Beer is where the big tips are. I practiced tossing cups of beer for three weeks, starting with 16 oz. cups and working up to 32 oz. The trick to keeping it upright as it sails over the heads of fans is to toss it backhand, like a Frisbee. Man, it was hard to get the hang of that.

Tyler: But you succeeded?

Jar Jar: I sure did. I could sail a 32 oz. cup full of lager 60 feet and put it right on target without spilling a drop.

Tyler: But you aren’t going to be a beer vendor?

Jar Jar (suddenly looking glum): No. Just for practice once, I asked my ex-girlfriend to catch one…

Tyler: Your EX-girlfriend?

Jar Jar: Yeah. Who would have thought that beer would be so hard to catch?

Tyler: I guess you never know ‘til you try.

* Photo courtesy of the Drift Inn Café in Yachats. Painting is by Martina Olson of Yachats, Oregon.
** On May 17, 1947 a seagull dropped a smelt on Ellis Kinder who was trying to pitch for the St. Louis Browns against the Boston Red Sox. Since that day, seagulls have been banned from major league baseball stadiums. The smelt was just an innocent onlooker.

Next Time: We’ll plunge into the excitement of getting the Smelt’s stadium up and ready for opening day. And we’ll find out about that roof from Seattle.

NOTE: No animals, vegetables, minerals, or mermaids were harmed in the production of this blog (the gull was merely metaphorical). All weapons used on the RS blog are fakes—the knives and tweezers are made of shaving cream, and all guns have their triggers installed backwards. Also, please note that the RS blog oozes peace and goodwill and does NOT advocate attacking any nations, even the stupid ones.

NOTE AGAIN: Dave Baldwin and Eric Sallee have never been caught with their hands in the RS blog cookie jar despite what all those talk radio hosts are saying.

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